Over the past week and a half, the corporate cubicle work environment has once again drained my emotional reserve and shriveled my psyche down to one single raw, inflamed, pulsing nerve. Faced with a choice between behaving like "Fist of Death" Alice, the Dilbert cartoon character, or withdrawing into a defensive, surly caricature of myself, I have done what comes naturally and chosen the latter.
You would think that after all these years of life in the cubicle, I would have a better way of coping; a more positive way of responding to the stress of it all. However, the Eeyore (and Alice) in me continue to lurk barely below the surface and always fully show themselves when I am under stress. I don't think that will ever change, so I must seek respite by somehow avoiding or reducing stress which puts me into this condition.
I now invite you to step into my world for a paragraph or two and let me lead you through the last week and a half of my life in the cubicle.
Actually, the precipitating event occurred about six weeks back, when the corporate officer in charge of finance and IT (CFO) left the company. The CFO exit left a vacuum which set off a political scuffle among the more ambitious members of the management chain above me. The result was that several people in this management chain were promoted. This event in the corporate hierarchy awakened the political instincts of all the ambitious cubicle dwellers and set off ripple effects which reached to the very bottom of the corporate hierarchy. The leaves on the corporate tree were again being stirred by corporate political winds.
When a lower level manager wants to prove his mettle, he creates a new organization chart. This is exactly what my manager did. The old org chart was one page, sparsely populated. The new org chart is much more impressive. It is a five page PowerPoint slide set which is fully populated with text encased in colorful "pillow boxes" and overlapping stair-stepped horizontal bars. If you saw it, you would surely be impressed. Page one is a functional view of the organization, with function titles across the top and lists of accountabilities and key measures underneath. Page two is the same as page one, but includes names of the newly ordained functional leaders in the boxes across the top. These functional leaders are elevated above normal cubicle dwellers by virtue of their new title (Functional Leader) and their new political status as members of the power structure of the group. Page three consists of several levels of horizontal bars which show how functional responsibilities overlap and intersect with each other. Page four is the same as page three, but with names of group members in the bars. Page 5 is a stylized version of the original org chart which shows the reporting structure of the organization. This new slide set was presented with much fanfare as the sole subject of a one hour conference call during which some of us read the financial news, checked the Euro to Dollar exchange rate, updated our LinkedIn profiles, or otherwise occupied ourselves with "multitasking". (Side note: "multitasking" is a cubicle euphemism for "not paying attention").
Even though I was "multitasking" during the presentation, I did happen to notice that the box with my name in it spanned three functional areas. I didn't think much of it at the time, but over the last two weeks it has become clear that I now have three jobs and three bosses, rather than just one of each. My calendar has filled with meetings, and all three of the newly titled "Functional Leaders" want a piece of me.
The final straw came when one of the functional leaders assigned me to a typical corporate project. Those of you who have labored in the corporate cubicle will recognize this kind of project. A four hour meeting every day (yes, I said four hours), during which the discussion goes down one rathole after another without resolving anything. At the end of the meeting, a list of action items is distributed. The next day, everyone comes back without having completed any action items, and the same ratholes are explored yet again. I ask where the project plan is. There is none; all we have is a list of action items. The project manager rarely shows up for any meetings. I attend meetings for six days. My anxiety is rising. I have lost all patience for this. After the second day, I begin to press for a project plan and for some progress on actually getting work done rather than sitting around in meetings all day. It turns out that we don't have anyone on the team who can actually do any work. The contractors who are supposed to install the new software don't have cubicles, or phones, or access to the project documentation. Niether do they have any systems where they can install and test the new software. The contractor who is supposed to set up the new servers has not agreed to participate in this project, and is being reluctant to do any work. This has been going on for almost five weeks!
I'll spare you further boring details. Suffice it to say that after six days in these project meetings, I was in full Alice "Fist of Death" mode - all of my emotional energy had been drained. I arranged an audience with my "real" manager. He pulled me off the project, and had a "heart-to-heart" with the absentee project manager. I have been assigned to do a weekly review of the project and report status to management. This makes me the bad cop - a role I'm not comfortable with - but it's better than sitting in those project meetings for four hours a day while other work from my three new bosses piles up.
I don't know why I get so upset about these things. I know I'll never be a corporate animal. The corporate world will always be a strange, uncomfortable, and incomprehensible place to me in many ways. But for now, another storm has passed through my cubicle and is dissipating.
One advantage to having almost 30 years of service is that I have plenty of vacation stored up. Beginning today, I'm taking nine days of vacation (plus two weekends). I'm going to put the cubicle out of my mind, and immerse myself in real life for a while.
Speaking of real life, I want you to read this:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mike-lux/how-do-christians-become_b_570361.html
I found it interesting. It explains a lot about why I'm not a "Christian Conservative".
