Wally is my hero. You know who I mean, right? I'm talking about Wally in the Dilbert comic strip. The older, mostly bald guy who walks around with a cup of coffee all the time. The guy who slips into meetings, eats the donuts, then leaves without attracting any to-do items. He's known for avoiding work and making irrelevant or unhelpful comments in meetings. When the pointy-haired boss asks for a status report on his work, he is always ready with a buzzword-filled, meaningless monologue which makes not working sound like work. Wally has no loyalty, no scruples, makes no commitments, has no personality, really. Why would Wally be anyone's hero? There's nothing about him that commands any respect... or is there?
Let me explain...
I don't admire Wally because he's a sluggard and a dilettante. Wally's genius lies in the fact that he has figured out how to benefit from the vacuity and inanity of the corporate environment. You see, the very things that frustrate most of us work to Wally's advantage!
Strangely enough, in spite of the recent corporate downsizing, cost-cutting, and offshoring, Wally-type employees are still found in corporate cubicle farms. Cubicle workers like Wally are the cholesterol of the corporate vascular system. They are naturally synthesized by the corporate system, which has no antibodies to attack and destroy them, and many managers secretly like having a few of them around.
I don't think corporations intentionally hire people like Wally. People like Wally are usually synthesized when a competent, motivated employee clashes with the corporate system and loses, or is just worn down over time by the corporate environment. People like Wally are often quite competent, but are disillusioned and no longer motivated to try to make a contribution in the corporate work environment. So, these people hang around for the salary and benefits and amuse themselves by poking at the system and its inhabitants.
Low-level managers - aka "pointy-haired bosses" - may find Wally is quite useful to them. These managers have very little power and have almost no voice in corporate decision making. They are obligated to carry out decisions made by executives above them. People like Wally are used by clever managers to covertly resist corporate programs and initiatives passed down from high levels in the corporate hierarchy. When some sort of "mandatory corporate initiative" is launched, low-level managers can't directly refuse to provide staff for it, they can't directly object to it, but they can staff it with people like Wally, which is their best hope for killing projects or initiatives they disagree with or don't want to participate in. Therefore, every clever low-level manager wants a couple of Wallys on staff to defend against unwelcome high-level corporate edicts. Too many Wallys can hopelessly clog the corporate arteries, but there is good reason for keeping a few of them around.
... and to top it all off, it turns out that Wally makes more money than Dilbert AND he has enough money saved up to retire any time he wants, much to the chagrin of both Dilbert and the pointy-haired boss. Yeah, you go, Wally. Poke 'em in the eye again. The worst they can do is lay you off and if they did that, you'd probably get a nice separation package!
So, for those of you who are feeling frustrated and chafing against the padded walls of your cubicle, I offer Wally as a role model, and as a reminder that, in the corporate world, underachievement has its rewards.
I will now close with two Dilbert comic strips for your perusal and enjoyment:
You are right about Wally...He manages to navigate the corporate irrationality better than the more qualified and underpaid colleagues like Dilbert and Alice. I am jealous of Wally.
ReplyDeleteThe continuum of Wally’s character, however, ranges from the once productive and competent crushed by the relentless emotional and physical drain called the corporate norm to the incompetent, street-smart cockroaches that manage to survive just about any corporate disaster . How do they do it, I wonder… Do they successfully hide behind a competent victim or simply avoid contributing to any outcome of a project? Have you noticed how sports metaphors and analogies are so ubiquitous in corporate speech? Consider this. Wally sits on the bench the whole game yet he manages to do better on average than the players sweating the whole game.
You pose a great question, Mobert. How do they do it? The question is NOT "Why do they do it?" Any marginally intelligent person working long enough within the corporate vascular system will realize that there is no glory in being the hero a.k.a. dependable employee or the enzymes of the corporate system actually getting stuff done - except if you consider glory as more and more work piled on while you watch your cholesterol-type colleagues float by like a child on a big blow up yellow tube in the lazy river.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure it's not as easy as Wally makes it look, but I got quite a kick out of this post. I guess in the end we all balance each other out and that's what makes the team. Even us enzymes get a break on the bench from time to time. Merci La France.